KNOW WHEN TO HOLD AND WHEN TO FOLD?

 

Have you ever been in or seen one of those long-term relationships that ended against one’s will?  Aka somebody got dumped (For adults, is it still getting dumped or broken up with? *shrugs*), but there’s still a perceived chance for the dumped to get back with the dumper?  Sure you have!  Which is why I want to discuss knowing when to “hold ‘em” and knowing when to “fold ‘em” (word to Kenny!).  In such a situation I think the biggest question is when/how do you actually keep it moving?

Well I’d say the first step is realizing whether or not it’s truly over.  Even though you and your ex may still be on speaking/friendly/benefit-friendly terms, at some point a realization is going to need to be made.  Is there still a viable chance for you to get back with said ex?  Yes, you may still be working toward it, BUT you BOTH need to be working toward it.  Just because their allowing you to work on it, doesn’t mean you’re the only one that needs to put in work.  Teamwork makes the dream work yea?  Of course this is where it can get tricky.

It’s okay to fight the good fight to be with someone who’s in love with you.  The catch is that person actually needs to be IN LOVE WITH YOU!  Sometimes people tend to confuse being in love with someone with being in love with the IDEA of someone.  And when I say “people” I mean both parties.  Yes even the dumper can think they may still be in love with you.  While they may still quite truly love you, they may only be IN LOVE with the IDEA of you.  What’s this idea business I’m talking about?  I thought you’d never ask (I didn’t care if you asked or not, I was still going to explain).

If you’re with a person long enough, they can get used to the things you can/will do for them.  The sacrifices you’ll make for them.  The comfort/security you provide for them.  They still desire those amenities from you, but that doesn’t necessarily equate to them desiring YOU!  The aforementioned (amongst others) make up the IDEA of you.  They may be too comfortable to start from scratch with finding those things in another person.  Something like that first car you wanted to replace, but it being your first car keeps you from trading it in.  They like the convenience of knowing you’ve been and will be there.  Please don’t be anyone’s mere convenience!  Fight for someone who’s in love with YOU, not the IDEA OF YOU.  However, that’s definitely easier said than done.

Beware of false hope.  The false hope of which I speak is what your ex may provide you with (whether they realize it or not), causing you to think there is a viable chance of rekindling the proverbial flame.  That person suddenly starts telling you things you want to hear.  That person suddenly provides you with physical (i.e. cuddling, sex, etc) and emotional (i.e. cuddling, sex, etc lol) comfort.  That person may have you thinking you’re getting back with them.  That person plays to your fantasy, and then brings you crashing back down to reality.  THAT PERSON PROVIDED YOU WITH FALSE HOPE!

The false hope phase usually doesn’t seem to kick in until you’ve actually decided to better yourself.  It seems like when you truly work on your healing process and finally begin to make self progress, your ex starts to take a new interest in you.  I guess everybody likes a budding success story.  That’s when the ex performs all the false hope activities, and depending on your situation your progress may be slowed, stopped, or even negated.  PLEASE APPROACH THIS AREA WITH EXTREME CAUTION.  Again, easier said than done!

When still dealing with your ex and fighting for what you believe may potentially still be there, you also need to consider the potential costs.  Could you be costing yourself love/happiness with someone else?  Could you be costing yourself love/happiness with yourself?  There can be any number of associated costs depending on your situation.  It’s up to you to weigh those.  Again, easier said than done!

Finally comes the hardest part:  DECISION TIME!

DECISION TIME!  Is there TRULY a chance for you two to work out?

DECISION TIME!  How much of a chance TRULY?

DECISION TIME!  Are you ready to step out of your comfort zone?

DECISION TIME!  Are you truly ready to move forward and not look back?

I know moving forward WILL be difficult, and there WILL be bumps along the way, but even if you trip along said way, isn’t it better to fall forward than fall back?  But hey, what do I know?

SAY IT WITH YA CHEST?

Have you ever been in a position where you wanted to express some sort of emotion or thought with someone you have feelings for, but you didn’t?  OF COURSE YOU HAVE!  We’ve all gone through it.  Even if you don’t go through it anymore, you’ve gone through it!  So let’s talk about it.  Now I’m not just talking about feelings of love/lust, etc.  It could be anger, resentment, or disappointment.  No limits here.  Why is it so difficult at times to share your feelings with someone you care about?

Well if it’s some sort of the cliché love/lust type feelings, then rejection often proves quite the deterrent when it comes to sharing (depending on where you are in that situation).  Hence why people say no one wants to be the first one to say “I love you”.  You don’t want to risk the awkward moment of the other party saying something like “O ok, good to know”.  The same can be said for simply trying to initially rap to a girl or guy.  No one likes rejection, so few want to risk rejection.

If you wish to express your disappointment with something, or discuss some sort of treatment you don’t agree with (i.e. “YOU CAN’T CAWL NO BODY?” *Jerome voice*), you may not share for fear of an argument or fight breaking out.  You may feel like the other may blow the subject out of proportion.  Or you may feel like the other may take the subject too lightly, and you’ll blow up.  Either way, it can result in you bottling up said feelings.

HERE’S THE QUESTION!  Should you always express your feelings to someone you have them for?  Will there always be a proper time/place for said “discussions”?  Now off top many of you may say “HELL YEA”, but let’s take a step back and review it.

I’m sure you’ve all heard some form of “If you have something to say you should say it”, or “Never hold back your true feelings, b/c you may never get the chance to share them again”, or “I’d rather say “At least I tried” than say “What if””.  Even “Yeezus” said “People never get the flowers while they can still smell ‘em”. 

Now all that does sound fine and dandy but what bout overkill?  What if you decided to tell someone you love them every single time you had the thought?  When I love someone I think about it quite often.  If you’re anything like me, that may result in quite a few calls, program interruptions, etc.  Is there no risk of it losing its flavor to the recipient?

I hear you when you say “you should never hold your feelings back”, but why not?  Don’t we hold back some kind of feeling(s) in life all the time?  Like the feeling of wanting to slap your *insert person here* if they piss you off?  Or the feeling of wanting to cuss that cop out b/c “there are real crimes they should be out fighting instead of wasting time giving you that speeding ticket”?  We hold back these feelings because we ultimately see no positive coming out of it at that time right?  Maybe?  How about maybe we should hold some feelings back to give the other person a chance to express theirs?  That may be crazy enough to work *shrugs*.

I’ve heard people say you shouldn’t ask questions you don’t necessarily want to know the answers to.  That actually makes sense to me.  That doesn’t mean that you may never ask the question (i.e. do you love me like I love you).  It could just mean you may not be ready for the response at this time (because it might be negative).  Maybe in time you’ll have built up the strength to be ready for whatever answer you receive.

Might there be a need for a certain balance when it comes to expressing your emotions?  A sort of “pick your battles” situation perhaps?  Even armies didn’t have to fight/win every battle to win a war right?  Would it be okay if I decide to just “let this go” and either visit it later or get over it altogether?  Sometimes I do feel like everything doesn’t need to be said.  However, how can one truly decipher what ultimately gets to lay claim to the distinction of “discussion topic”?

No this is not some blog where I have some definitive answer at the end.  Yes I can be just as confused as the next guy.  Maybe that’s why I always ask “Hey, what do I know?”

CHANGE IS INEVITABLE

“I don’t change for anyone. Love me for who I am or I don’t need you in my life.”

This is a statement I saw a lady post on Instagram fairly recently. I read this and thought to myself, “I hope she’s okay with being alone then”. Honestly people, we’ve got to stop trying to live in this “all or nothing”, “my way or the highway” farce of a world. People change everyday B! (Rico Voice).

Change is a part of life. Change comes with growth. So why wouldn’t one change for love? Now before you get all up in arms, I’m not saying you have to change every single thing about you for anyone. But you best believe, for love to work, change is necessary.

I don’t know one person who said they loved somebody for exactly the person they are, and that person never had to make a change. Even if the change was relatively minor, a change was made. More times than not, I’d imagine your love for a person may naturally change you in some way, shape, or form. There’s a woman who I was in love with. My love for her made me want to make certain changes in myself for her; for us! She loved me, but she also wished some things about me would change. I made changes, we prospered. I still had more changes to make. I didn’t make them in time. We broke up, and understandably so. But had I not made changes along the way, we wouldn’t have lasted as long as we did at the time, and vice versa.

Again, I’m not saying to change for just any ol’ body. What I’m saying is find somebody worth making some changes for, and act accordingly. Chances are, if the love is strong betwixt the two of you, they may not ask for a world of change; maybe just a state or two.

“I don’t change for anyone”. Oh we all change for someone. Whether it’s our boss, family member, close friend, teacher, Mark Zuckerberg *shrugs*, we change for someone. Even if you aren’t conscious of it, we do. Don’t be fooled. It’s okay to add one more person to that list…the person you find love with!

“Love me for who I am or I don’t need you in my life”. Wrong! Wrong! (Charlie Murphy voice). We all need someone in our lives. We all want/need love in our lives. For all my “believers” out there, isn’t that what man and woman were put on this earth for? To compliment and complete each other amongst all the other stuff? What makes you any different? I hear women speak this “I don’t need a man” shit all the time. YES! YOU! DO! Just because you may be able to live without one doesn’t mean you don’t need one. Hell, I can live without toothpaste and toilet paper, but you best believe I NEED that shit!

So good people, if this touched a wicked nerve for you then you probably needed to read this more than most. And to that I say mission accomplished! I’ve heard that in all things in this world change is inevitable. Not SOME things, all THINGS! The sooner you embrace this concept, the sooner you’ll be able to find that person worth changing for. But hey, what do I know?