Monday, June 24, 2013


Have you ever been in or seen one of those long-term relationships that ended against one’s will?  Aka somebody got dumped (For adults, is it still getting dumped or broken up with? *shrugs*), but there’s still a perceived chance for the dumped to get back with the dumper?  Sure you have!  Which is why I want to discuss knowing when to “hold ‘em” and knowing when to “fold ‘em” (word to Kenny!).  In such a situation I think the biggest question is when/how do you actually keep it moving?

Well I’d say the first step is realizing whether or not it’s truly over.  Even though you and your ex may still be on speaking/friendly/benefit-friendly terms, at some point a realization is going to need to be made.  Is there still a viable chance for you to get back with said ex?  Yes, you may still be working toward it, BUT you BOTH need to be working toward it.  Just because their allowing you to work on it, doesn’t mean you’re the only one that needs to put in work.  Teamwork makes the dream work yea?  Of course this is where it can get tricky.

It’s okay to fight the good fight to be with someone who’s in love with you.  The catch is that person actually needs to be IN LOVE WITH YOU!  Sometimes people tend to confuse being in love with someone with being in love with the IDEA of someone.  And when I say “people” I mean both parties.  Yes even the dumper can think they may still be in love with you.  While they may still quite truly love you, they may only be IN LOVE with the IDEA of you.  What’s this idea business I’m talking about?  I thought you’d never ask (I didn’t care if you asked or not, I was still going to explain).

If you’re with a person long enough, they can get used to the things you can/will do for them.  The sacrifices you’ll make for them.  The comfort/security you provide for them.  They still desire those amenities from you, but that doesn’t necessarily equate to them desiring YOU!  The aforementioned (amongst others) make up the IDEA of you.  They may be too comfortable to start from scratch with finding those things in another person.  Something like that first car you wanted to replace, but it being your first car keeps you from trading it in.  They like the convenience of knowing you’ve been and will be there.  Please don’t be anyone’s mere convenience!  Fight for someone who’s in love with YOU, not the IDEA OF YOU.  However, that’s definitely easier said than done.

Beware of false hope.  The false hope of which I speak is what your ex may provide you with (whether they realize it or not), causing you to think there is a viable chance of rekindling the proverbial flame.  That person suddenly starts telling you things you want to hear.  That person suddenly provides you with physical (i.e. cuddling, sex, etc) and emotional (i.e. cuddling, sex, etc lol) comfort.  That person may have you thinking you’re getting back with them.  That person plays to your fantasy, and then brings you crashing back down to reality.  THAT PERSON PROVIDED YOU WITH FALSE HOPE!

The false hope phase usually doesn’t seem to kick in until you’ve actually decided to better yourself.  It seems like when you truly work on your healing process and finally begin to make self progress, your ex starts to take a new interest in you.  I guess everybody likes a budding success story.  That’s when the ex performs all the false hope activities, and depending on your situation your progress may be slowed, stopped, or even negated.  PLEASE APPROACH THIS AREA WITH EXTREME CAUTION.  Again, easier said than done!

When still dealing with your ex and fighting for what you believe may potentially still be there, you also need to consider the potential costs.  Could you be costing yourself love/happiness with someone else?  Could you be costing yourself love/happiness with yourself?  There can be any number of associated costs depending on your situation.  It’s up to you to weigh those.  Again, easier said than done!

Finally comes the hardest part:  DECISION TIME!
DECISION TIME!  Is there TRULY a chance for you two to work out?
DECISION TIME!  How much of a chance TRULY?
DECISION TIME!  Are you ready to step out of your comfort zone?
DECISION TIME!  Are you truly ready to move forward and not look back?

I know moving forward WILL be difficult, and there WILL be bumps along the way, but even if you trip along said way, isn’t it better to fall forward than fall back?  But hey, what do I know?


  1. You're amazing! So true. I've been in this tango for 8 years and you called everything right.

  2. You hit the nail on the head with this one Nitty. I've definitely been the "idea" and "ideal" for someone. I've also had to separate the person I loved from just the idea and it made my decision to end the relationship for good.