Have you ever been broken-up with and wondered what the reason was? Ever been cut off by someone and left scratching your head as to why? Has someone who was becoming special in your life just stopped calling? Or started dodging? You see where I'm going with this yet?
I'M TALKING ABOUT CLOSURE PEOPLE! You know, the seemingly dying art of actually letting someone know why you don't want to be with them anymore. Giving them a real reason(s). Not some cold-turkey "cutoff", or half-assed line/excuse, etc! Being just as real in ENDING things as you may have seemingly been in STARTING things.
Now as I've done in the past, we'll refer to the person ending the relationship as the "breaker", and the person on the other end, the "breakee". Here's a question for you. Do you feel like the breaker owes it to the breakee to at least attempt to give them some kind of closure? (I say attempt because you'll have those breakees who'll never be satisfied no matter how many reasons they're given. Not much more can be done for them). Should the breakee be hurt/offended by not being given closure? Or should they just suck it up and keep it moving?
Now I'm not talking about one-night stands when I speak of giving closure. I'm sure it's pretty easy to narrow down why you might not have been called back after that. I'm referencing any relationship where you're dating, sexing, or sharing some "significant other" sort of time with each other (committed or not).
For some people, closure may be more than simply being told why a person no longer wishes to be with you. The breakee may want the opportunity to respond to the issues. If not for reasons of rectification, simply to be heard. Regardless of the reason, are they entitled to this dialogue? What good can come of it? Lets chop this up a little bit and see what we come up with.
By giving the breakee closure, you may be able to preserve a friendship. Of course this is dependent upon the nature of the breakup, and if there were a friendship to preserve. Nonetheless, if the opportunity exists, why not take advantage of it? Now some may say the friendship may never be the same. Feelings may always linger. Might it not be worth a roll of the dice try though?
Giving closure may prevent feelings of resentment. The breakee may respect the breaker for showing such courtesy. Some may say if a breaker doesn't give closure, then they probably don't care if you resent them or not. Well maybe they don't, but you might want to think about that vindictive little lady named Karma. Word on the street is she can be a real BITCH at times.
How about the learning aspect of giving closure? By knowing what he/she did to turn the relationship south, the breakee may learn just what to do/not to do with the next person. Hell, this may help the breaker learn how to better communicate with the next person. Maybe discussing issues before they're ready to end a relationship might lead to problems being fixed, and allow a relationship to thrive.
Now if the aforementioned reasons are too debatable, or just not good enough to sway giving closure at the end of a relationship, maybe this last one may help.
SOMETIMES IT'S JUST A MATTER OF COMMON HUMAN DECENCY! IT DOESN'T TAKE THAT MUCH FUCKING ENERGY TO BE A GOOD HUMAN BEING!
Please feel fee to post any and all comments!
I agree 100%. If you ever had any fraction of a feeling for the person I think you owe them an explanation. Its just the right thing to do, for all the reasons you mentioned.
ReplyDeleteI agree. The tough part is though that the breakee can make it really, really hard and just because you need to break up, doesn't mean you don't still care. The breakee can sometimes coerce the breaker into staying together. I see why they just disappear.
ReplyDeleteGood post friend. I will comment further when I am done with my anger management.
ReplyDeleteI have been a breaker & a breakee and I feel that an explanation is deserved, regardless of which part of the relationship you identify with. It's human nature to try to understand, you can only grow as a person from it and if you're strong enough, you will not succumb to the 'pressure' to stay together and work it out if you really feel that it can't be worked out.
ReplyDeleteI would much rather know why or explain why the relationship didn't work out than not know or leave someone else in limbo. It's also just the grown up, decent thing to do!
My dear brother Nitty, I could not agree with you more. I believe strongly that an explanation is well-deserved. When a breakee does not receive an adequate explanation for the ending of the exchange between him/her and the breaker, he/she is left without understanding. As a breakee, it confused me more than anything and I was left without a means of improving any area of myself that possibly needed looking at. So now I'm left with the forced belief that the breaker is either a stone coward, lazy, thoughtless, inconsiderate, or perhaps afraid of where our "relationship" could have headed. No matter the case, I will respect the breaker that much more when she has the decency to at least discuss with me why she has made the decision to bring things between us to an end. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it! Peace Nitty!
ReplyDeleteNow this is something I can definitely relate to because I've recently had to go through this. I was left scratching my head for almost a whole year before he finally came out of the blue and said his piece. I can recall all the nights I sat up creating scenarios for when this event actually took place and how many curse words I was going to use and just make him feel like the asshole he is. I realize that this is the main reason as to why people just disappear in the first place, to avoid this kind of confrontation. However, when he actually showed up at my door, all my anger went away and I realized all I really wanted was an apology. He still never said why he just disappeared the way he did but he DID apologize. I thought we might be able to preserve our friendship afterwards but there is nothing to be salvaged. I'll always feel some kind of resentment toward his actions but it all comes down to the fact that he was aware that he was wrong and tried to fix it. I could tell that the way he left me really bothered him and so it actually turned out to be something we BOTH needed. Closure is necessary for both the "breaker" and the "breakee" to ease both parties' minds and hearts and ultimately be able to move on.
ReplyDeleteGreat post and I couldn't agree. I too have been on both ends. I hated scratching my head and creating scenarios as to why the turnout was such. With pur maturation as adults and people looking to be in relationships, it's imperative that we learn to deal with confrontation and tell the truth about our feelings. Both parties feel great at the end! (well sort of)
ReplyDeletePlease excuse the typos -_- I couldn't agree more****, our****
ReplyDeleteso as im ready this post there were a few things that kept jumping out at me. before i begin i would like to start by saying that i too have been on both sides of this scenario and there is no winner in a breakup, its an all around uncomfortable situation to deal with. i think closure is a state of mind. i hate when ppl say they cant move on bcuz they didnt get closure. closure is "the relationship didnt work out, MOVE ON" bottom line. jay-z said you cant change a players game in the ninth inning. i believe that applies to this situation. people are who they are, some ppl are just set in their ways and i dont beleive giving someone a dissertation about your reason for breaking up with them is gonna make them go see a life coach so they can be a better mate to the next person. they are going to seek out that one person who will tolerate their ways. i have broken up with someone and hit them with "just because i dont want to do it anymore" and i have also broken up with someone by just changing my number and acting like they never existed. does that make me a monster? if i was not interested in the relationship anymore than thats what it is, i dont owe anyone an explanation. is that not the whole purpose of dating, to find someone who you could see yourself with. to me relationships were like trying on clothes, if it didnt fit right i was on to the next one. i dont think closure helps ease ppls mind or lessen the heartbreak bcuz if they arent willing to let go then they wont and there is nothing you can do about it.
ReplyDeletei meant to say "reading this post"
ReplyDeleteHey Park, yes I think you're a monster! But that was loooong before this post! Aside from that, you make moving on sound rather easy don't you? Is it not easier said than done? Even when trying on clothes, and saying it doesn't fit right, I'm sure you say what doesn't fit right about it. Too small, too big, too short, too long, etc. You describe the "fit flaw". So why not describe the "fit flaw" in a relationship? Is it really that difficult? If moving on is that easy to you, then so should explaining why. But hey, what do I know?
ReplyDeleteI definitely don think not having "closure" should jeep someone from moving on. After a while that's kind of lame, but I think the effect of closure can be different depending on how deeply you feel/felt about the person who broke up with you and also the maturity level of the individual. If you really feel for the person who broke up with you and generally respect their opinion, having their feedback may, even if not immediately, help you look inward and realize things you really need to work on especially if you start to hear the same things over and over. That's what makes relationships a learning experience. That said, if you haven't graduated to some sort of relationship stage then I think its perfectly fine to just go about your business.
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