“How the hell could you mess with another woman’s man!?” “Do you really want to keep getting his sloppy seconds!?” These are just a couple of the phrases that we hear all too often when people address the matter of the mistress, mister, or quite simply “the side joint”. As long as I can remember, it’s being the side joint has always been taboo. They’re never respected, and people tend to blame them for the break-up of a happy home. People generally don’t see what good could come out of being the side joint.
My question is this: Have you ever truly asked a side joint why they would choose to be just that? Everyone speaks up for the boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife. Yet no one speaks on behalf of the third party. Well even criminals get to be heard/represented in a court of law, so I say let’s look into the potential benefits of being on the side.
Ideally, one benefit of being the side joint is the no-strings-attached-sex. Think about it! Often time, if a taken man or woman gets involved with you, it’s usually for sex and not much more. Now one may argue that you can get that kind of sex from a single person. I won’t argue that possibility, but all too often we’ve seen or experienced the situation where one person begins to want more than sex. Did you ever stop to think that this happens because that person has the option of focusing all their time on you? Undivided attention from her can often equate to unwanted attention from him. Start sexing someone who can only afford to pay you limited mind, and you’re good. Of course nothings guaranteed, but if I were a betting man, I’d most certainly play those odds.
Now let’s address the opening lines of this entry. How could she mess with another woman’s man? Easy, she’s attracted to him, and she has no ties to the other woman (or maybe she does have ties to her and just doesn’t give a damn). Maybe the question you want to ask is, “how could he mess with another woman?” As for the one about sloppy seconds; seconds are only sloppy if you’re eating directly out of his plate. So as long as she bathes regularly, there’s nothing sloppy about it.
People like to call side joints home-wreckers, but are they really? They usually have no attachment to the home ‘nor the other people in it. It’s not their job to preserve the home. So if anyone’s a home-wrecker wouldn’t it be the boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife in question? Actually let’s go out on a limb and look at it from another angle. Often time a side joint may help to distract a person from whatever’s making them unhappy in their relationship. If the side joint is successful in serving as this “escape” of sorts, then the chances may be better of that person going home happy. If they’re happy, and they make their unsuspecting partner happy, then wouldn’t that make the side joint sort of a home-preserver? There may actually be some good in the bad you accuse them of doing.
We tend to bash the side joints of the world, but are we really just in doing so? After all, don’t we support music that glorifies cheating? “Me and Mrs. Jones”, “Kiss and Say Goodbye”, “As We Lay”, “My Little Secret”, “Boyfriend Number Two”, and the list goes on. We don’t condemn these people, so why should we condemn the people who simply seem to be living out these lyrics? After all, “A meal ain’t a meal without something on the side”…Right?
IN CASE U DON'T RECOGNIZE THE ABOVE PHOTOS, THE 1ST 1 IS KARRINE STEFFANS AKA "SUPERHEAD. THE 2ND 1 IS KAT STACKS. THE 3RD 1 IS PLEASURE P. THE WOMEN ARE FAMOUS FOR BEING THE SIDE CHICK. HE MADE THE SONG ABOUT BEING BOYFRIEND NUMBER 2.
ReplyDeleteDamn nitty great questions I just don't know.
ReplyDelete@BDS IT'S NOT AS BLACK & WHITE AS PEOPLE PAINT IT 2B I GUESS.
ReplyDeleteThats dumb friend, i'm sorry! i don't think there should ever be a third nor would i ever stick up from them. That applies to friends and family. If a person is unhappy to the point that they need a third, then they should just let their relationship go. And if they don't wanna do that, then they need to address it with their bf/gf/wife/husband. not many people realize the damage that they do to the 1's they claim they love by bringing in another person. My whole thing is the 3rd person be the 1st one to get mad when they become hubby or wifey and a third person is added to the equation. They quick to say "how could u do that to me" ummmmmm don't u remember doing it to someone else and not caring? Me personally could never do it because at some point the guy is gonna b somewhere with wifey and i'm not gonna be of any importance and i refuse to be back up. Some people and too many people r ok with that. When wifey not around its ok to be with me? Na, i wouod never accept that. If one needs someone to distract them from the bad of their relationship maybe re-evaluation is needed cause more than not, adding a person is gonna make it worst. like i said i can go on about this for days but i'm done. I just know i have and will never have respect for someone who willingly choses to be the third person. Nor for the person who thinks its ok to have a third. i may respect a person for everything else but in that aspect? nope!!
ReplyDeleteLOL @MANDEE. THAT'S ALMOST A BLOG IN AND OF ITSELF. I DEF. RESPECT YOUR STANCE. I WONDER WHAT OTHERS ARE GOING TO SAY. BUT I'M NOT SURE IF IT'S AS DUMB AS YOU SAY IT IS. LOL.
ReplyDeleteExcuse the misspelled words my phone has a mind of its own
ReplyDeleteGood questions and valid points made. Things happen for a reason. Like most things, one usually has SOME reason for partaking in situations like these on all sides. So I don't see the issue with addressing it in this fashion.
ReplyDeleteI love it when people say 'I don't understand why.....' then when it gets broken down 'why' they are still 'confused'. You broke it down pretty well. I think anyway. @ as to the 3rd party's point of view. It is what it is. Right. Wrong. Or indifferent. Agree or don't disagree. These are some of the main reasons it happens.
Oh and lets not get started on the support of songs, movies and other media that 'cosigns' the behavior. It is all good 'till it happens to you. @ those who oppose it but support the music. Then there is an uproar..lol
It is, and i think both the gf/bf and gf/bf #2 are both equally home wreckers, unless the #2 doesn't know about #1. My question is what happens when the bf gf becomes interested in more than sex with number 2? Then what? Eventually they have to choose, then they have to hurt someone who they care about whether its one or two
ReplyDeleteGREAT POINTS @CWARE. @MANDEE THE IDEA IS FOR THE GF/BF NOT TO GET THAT INVOLVED W/ #2. DOES IT HAPPEN N E WAY? YES. I SAY IF YOU PUT YOURSELF IN THAT SITUATION, CHECK & SEE IF THE 80/20 RULE APPLIES. IF IT DOES, STICK W/ YOUR 80.
ReplyDeleteI have been the "side joint". In my case it was more than just sex. We could chill together without sex we had a friendship. I didn't think it was right of me because I know if I was the main girl I would be hurt but when you fall for someone you think of your feelings and what he means to you at the time. I find myself to be a respectable person when it comes to someone having a relationship with someone else I don't know I was just his fool, we all have played someones fool.
ReplyDeleteI APPRECIATE THE CONFESSION @ANON.
ReplyDeleteThe better idea is to stay true and faithful to the one you commit too. Rules to cheating is pile of u know what and gf bf #2 just b swimming in it....trust i know everything happens for a reason but i am yet to ee the reason its done. And I agree with anonymous, we all play someoes fool, but how do u willingly and carelessly get that deep in.like before u have sex or before u chill with the person in the relationship u know he has someone. How do u completely not care about the Number one. Like does one not have any self control to say na u have a relationship and I can't chill w u like this even as a friend causwe u know ur interest. People know quickly if they r attraxted to a person, so why not stop while ur ahead? Why even allow the situation to happen? I guess people like to play with fire, I never have so idk if its fun. I lit a match once and blew it out before it got out of control with this type of situationbecause i couldn't get passed him having a relationship. I just don't understand how people can disregard something as special as a relationship.
ReplyDeletea special friendship without sex can b the worst kind, cause that's when feelings get involved. I rather u have sex with my man and kick rocks, than to b with him on an emotional level, kicking it and spending time. the older we get the more that will bother the other party, especially if its not a mutual friend.there's believe of people in the world, why chose someone that has something to b bffs with? That's bologna to me
ReplyDelete@MANDEE, WAY 2B SO FIERY ABOUT THIS TOPIC! THIS IS GR8 FOR RATINGS! CAN'T WAIT 2C WHAT OTHERS HAVE TO SAY!
ReplyDeleteBillions of people*
ReplyDelete@Mandee it was kinda like he met us around the same time so she wasn't his chick @ the time. When he finally decided 2 tell me tht she was his official we had already been there done tht and I just kept going there when I could have nipped it but I was his fool. I wouldn't put myself in that situation anymore though
ReplyDeleteEY PEOPLE, I'M DEF. LOVING THE FEEDBACK! TELL YA FRIENDS TO CHECK THIS BLOG OUT, N LEAVE COMMENTS TOO. ALSO, YOU SHOULD ALL SUBSCRIBE TO THIS BLOG AS FOLLOWERS, AND STAY UP2DATE ON MY FUTURE BLOG POSTS.
ReplyDeletehow do u suscribe
ReplyDelete@ANON, THERES A LINK UNDER THE COMMENT BOX THAT SAYS "SUBSCRIBE BY EMAIL". ALSO, TO BECOME A FOLLOWER, YOU SHOULD GO TO THE SECTION THAT LISTS MY OTHER FOLLOWERS, AND UNDER THAT THERE SHOULD BE A "FOLLOW" BUTTON
ReplyDeleteI don't have tht option mayb bc I'm on my phone. Idk I tried
ReplyDeleteaight ive been 2 of the 3 or maybe all 3. I have found it best to be happy. I do know that when i was in a relationship and had a side, I lost almost all feelings for the entre and felt like being single. I then became the side and cared for no feelings but gave what was needed to her. I then felt lonely like something was missing. as a Man, I feel what i have now i throw down in all required categories to keep a heathly, faithful, and beautiful relationship. I cant hate on anyone doing them because i do me. if i ever felt like i needed to go outside what i had i would just bounce.
ReplyDeleteANOTHER MALE P.O.V. FROM @YESSIR! RESPECT!
ReplyDeleteOnce again, Franco, you did it. Even though I have strong opinions about certain subjects, people find me easy to talk to because I can be objective.
ReplyDeleteOf course, the side jawn has no business in a relationship. That's a DUH. What people tend to forget is that this side jawn has feelings, too. Feelings can't be turned on and off just because of an ethical boundary.
For example: He's married, she's his coworker. She overhears him in the break room fighting with his wife on his cell phone. He is visibly shaken. (some women would assume that this "hoe" would immediately offer to take him into the staircase and suck his dick) She sits down next to him and offers some good, friendly, advice based on what she heard. She actually has his best interests at heart and wants his marriage to work out.
However, now he's gotten into the habit of sharing with her, she's such a good friend and give such good advice. She's seen his pain and now he tugs at her heart strings. Now she's developed feelings, but he's such a trusted friend she doesn't want to abandon him. She thinks she has to control herself, after all, he's married.
But now, in her efforts to soothe his pain, her affection toward him starts to push through. Now, during their sessions there are light touches here and there. Now, in order for them to talk he is telling his wife he is "working late". He's cried in front of her and she's wiped his tears with her fingers.
She's officially a side jawn with no sex involved. Her feelings grew for him because they developed an intimate connection. No, I don't blame her any more than I blame anyone else in this whole mess. And no, I don't feel that SHE should have any more self control than HE should.
I still don't think it's right, but I do understand.
Yeah what Mandee said, I second that - all that! LOL. :) Both parties are wrong and both parties are homewreckers. If you know the man/woman you're dealing with is with someone else and you allow them to cheat with you, you're just as guilty. If you didn't allow it you would force the other person to actually be a man (or woman) and make a decision instead of being a selfish coward and basically stringing two people along. Plus, how little do you think of yourself to knowingly be with someone who only thinks enough of you for you to be the side joint?? Either way, what you do always comes back, and usually hits you harder than when you were out doing it to somebody else.
ReplyDelete@AMEERAH...YOU JUST SPOKE SOME TRUTH IN A BLOG/POETRY FORMAT. WAY TO CREATE SUCH AN OUT-THE-BOX (YET QUITE REALISTIC) SCENARIO. NOW LETS SEE HOW THE PEOPLE RESPOND TO THAT.
ReplyDeleteAmeerah just broke it down to the point where it can no longer and will forever be broke! Girl, that is how it is to a T.....I have been in this situation, the "side jawn" if you will, and it literally unfolded as such.... After a while, I realized that the guy was just an asshole then I cut it off cold turkey....but just because you are a single and the man is not, doesn't change the fact that you two can be drawn to each other and frankly will power and good sense cannot always overpower sheer attraction, intimacy, and emotional connection even with the best of intentions. Humans are humans and shit happens.
ReplyDeleteMy question now is....is it unrealistic to expect monogamy? particularly as a black woman.
Perhaps I'm cynical and/or misguided, but it appears that it is impossible to just find a wholesome man...It seems that our world/society is moving towards a more communal conjugal relationship style....and that being the side jawn is becoming a way of life....the way to satisfy the need for touch, romance, and intimacy....Because no matter how you put it, you're a side jawn even as the main jawn, because there exists a 3rd person.... If you're the wife or wifey and your man is cheating on you, does that really mean anything special? Are you really that much better than the side jawn? I mean technically ya'll are getting the same treatment....at least in terms of sharing intimacy with another woman..So what's so special about aspiring to be wifey and having this expectation of monogamy, when you're really just getting lied to....? At least as a side jawn you are well aware of your "role".....
ReplyDeleteSure, the side joint deserves to be heard if even criminals are owed their due. But that's about all I agree with in this post. The whole argument that perhaps the side peice is distracted the cheating party from his/her unhappiness does not equal preserving the home in anyway. A distractio is no remedy to unhappiness, it's just a DISTRACTION. And sorry if I sound old school on this one, but if you're knowingLY sexin a married woman/man, that in fact does make you a partner in homewrecking in the excat same way that driving the getaway car from the scene of the crime makes you an accessory to that crime. There are two guilty parties in cheating. There's no way to rationalize that away. And let's talk about the "no strings attached" sex theory of the side piece. Take Superhead for instance, anybody that's done a brief google/wikipedia search on this broad knows that she's got ISSUES. and she has stated that she was in love with EVERY MAN that she had a long term affair with, even when it was clearly evident that they were just using her. Suffice it to say, it wasn't no strings attached for her. And it also speaks volumes about someone, man or woman, who would choose to be the side piece. They've decidd to settle for whatever they can get--tragic, because it's only a small minority of those folks that are just in it for uncomplicated sex. The Samantha Joneses of the world are usually a HOT ASS MESS in real life. Humans are emotional and social creatures, women even more so (stereotypical but mostly true). Nine times out of ten, the side piece, espcially if female, is hoping that one day, he'll leave the wife for her. And until then, she's decided to relegate herself to part-time lover status. It's a cryin ass shame. Sorry but side pieces and cheaters alike get no love from me.
ReplyDeleteGOOD STUFF NADETTE...EVERYBODY'S REALLY MAKING ME LOVE THIS BLOG RIGHT NOW. I LOVE THE FORUMS OF OPEN & HONEST DIALOGUE. SO EVERYBODY TELL A FRIEND TO TELL A FRIEND TO JOIN IN AND SPEAK THEIR PIECE!
ReplyDeleteO & FOR THE RECORD @NADETTE, I HAD TO GOOGLE SAMANTHA JONES LOL. SORRY I'M NOT A SATC FAN. *NITTYPOINT.
ReplyDelete(fml i wrote this long commentary then hit the back button and lost it... go me -_- i'll try to remember it)
ReplyDeletethe topic of the mistress is quite old, but unfortunately its becoming less and less taboo... there are some women who deliberately go after married and "spoken for" men just because they're takers... its like that reggae song "i got you man and you cant do anything about it"
but there are are also those women who are who lack emotional intelligence; there is a theory called Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs where the last three of the total five deal with the perception of self and the perception of self by way of others...
these "side joints" clearly perceive themselves in a certain manner that clearly shows their esteem needs are craving to be met, whether its kat stacks being a smut and sending it to worldstarhiphop.com or that girl who holds on to that lie that her "spoken for" man is gonna one day leave his main chick for her... its all about the attention...
@HD, WAY TO HIT THE TOPIC FROM ANOTHER ANGLE! "IT'S ALL ABOUT THE ATTENTION".
ReplyDeleteNadette I love everything u said!!!
ReplyDeleteI have been all three people in this equation. Everything in this article is exactly how I feel about it. The only thing is I have matured and refuse to be in a relationship if I still want to entertain multiple females.
ReplyDeleteA topic that needs to be talked about, and wasn't mentioned, is the mental effects of this situation. Since I have been all 3 I know it is possible for all situations to exist because I made them exist (or existed with me, being cheated on). I say that to say, when in a new relationship you are always skeptical because you know the possibilities and the situations that influence those situations to occur. So this could mentally effect you way past the relationship.
APPRECIATE THE INSIGHT GOOZ! ALWAYS GOOD TO HAVE ANOTHER MALE P.O.V. ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU'VE BEEN A VICTIM AS WELL AS A CULPRIT LOL.
ReplyDeleteThis is a real good topic my dude. I completely agree with what you are trying to say. People are real quick to condemn those that are side joint more so than looking at the person that is already in a relationship. Such as when a person finds their significant other in a cheating position, from what I've seen, that person is just as angry with their spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend as they are with the person that was sexing their significant other. That person owes you absolutely nothing in life in most cases and doesn't know you, where as the person you are with is going out their way to deceive you and go behind your back to get a quick sexual fix. With that said, I believe like you said that the side joint isn't the homewrecker, and the person in the relationship should be looked at stronger as the one with the issues and problems
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU BRIAN! MANY PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE THAT ABOUT THE 3RD PARTY.
ReplyDeleteIs it me or are the men seemingly more defensive of the side join and the women are judgmental and condemning? Interesting.
ReplyDeleteYo Nitty you hit it right on the head (No Homo) I've been saying all this stuff for a minute now, I'm glad you wrote it out for other people to finally see it. Keep spreading the word my G
ReplyDelete@SUNNY THE MEN ARE BEING MORE HONEST/REALISTIC ABOUT THE SITUATION AS A WHOLE. THE WOMEN SEEM TO BE LOCKED IN TO TUNNEL VISION. @SCOOP I APPRECIATE THAT BRUH. PEOPLE HAVE TROUBLE ACCEPTING THE "IT" IN "IT IS WHAT IT IS"
ReplyDeleteHow do men feel about the other man? We can tell by the comments that women feel the other woman is the f'ng scum of the earth...bottom feeder, skank hoe-bitch....but you never really hear men articulate their opinion of the "other man"....soooo....can the fellas do that for me please? Thanks. :-)
ReplyDelete@Brian and other people who agree that the side joint doesn't owe you anything, yes that's true if you're saying that they're not the ones that made the commitment, but at the end of the day as decent human beings we all owe each other basic courtesy and respect and by participating you've clearly disrespected the other person and their relationship. Just like you would expect another man to respect you and not try to hit on your girl in your presence. Same thing, real basic, #respect.
ReplyDelete@SunnyGLight maybe men haven't voiced opinions because they know the other man is saving $
ReplyDelete@ all... that said, i happen to have a very close family member who explained his motivation to pursue taken females and even recruited my assistance in getting her to do the deed with him if she initially resisted. am i ashamed of myself, yes and no. women know what we plan to do way before we do it. we rarely have "it just happened" moments... if the side joint is trying to be financially sound, then going for taken people is the best investment in their future... i'm just sayin... lol
Y should the "side piece" respect the relationship, if the person in the relationship doesn't?
ReplyDelete